My Thoughts

So much has happened in the last 3 months I feel so completely lost and disconnected with myself. They say grief makes you do weird things I guess it must be true cause I've done unthinkable things. My guilt is eating away at me. I have no one to blame but myself, I had a choice and I choose to do wrong. In life we try to make excuses for our wrong actions but there is no excuse. Even now as I feel guilty all I can think about is doing it again and that makes me feel even more guilty. I wish I had more discipline, more courage to walk away from the easy option, the wrong option and stick it out with the right option. Having faith that God will make a way for me. At times I feel like such a failure, a fraud, a phony. Living with all these secrets eats me up inside. I wanna scream from the roof tops this is ME and this is what I've done like it or hate it but at least you know. One day I know I will find peace I just pray that God will forgive me and let me into His paradise. I fear that I've done so much wrong that I will not get that opportunity and that my punishment will be unbearable. I pray for wisdom to make the right choices, guidance to help me find my way and discipline to follow the word of God and none other.